Cultivating Wonder

On the Road Again...

I was on the drive home today... Well, actually I was on the drive to wander around the mall for a bit (I know, its very very sad but I felt a need to walk and poke at things... I'm really only an occasional mall person) and I was stuck in stop-and-go traffic on I5.  I was having a moment of fascination with people watching in the cars as they passed me or I passed them.  Passengers are amusing and intriguing especially when the only thing on the radio is advertisements for the Shane Co.  And then I noticed one of the more amazing sights I've seen in a long time.  I was watching as a small crane was being used to assemble one of the large construction cranes.  There were about four people standing on the end of the parts of the crane that were assembled guiding in the last piece.  It was so cool!

Face

We call it the face of time.
A cold mechanism of gears and wheels turning circles ever at our will.
Does it feel like feathered eyelashes the briefest glances across it's round glass cheeks?
Does it bear the weight of heavy staring eyes longing?
Does it gather the dreams and wishes of
                  elsewhere
                                    elsewhen
                                                    elsewhy?
And wonder at the minds of us mere beings who gather strength from hope?
Or does it murmur
              bless this moment...
                             bless this moment...
                                            bless this moment...

Pines

The lodgepole pine
nestled in the dark humus
of the fire born earth
grows straight and true.
The goldmine of pioneers
staking out a presence
with fences, and barns
and little houses all snug.

That same seed laid open
on the edge of where
firm shore meets
rolling sea grows too
in wild undulations and
strange discontinuities.
Twisted by salt earth
and long nights of
unending buffeting
by one great tempest
after another.
It cannot deny its destiny
or the Sun, its greatest lover
who blessed it into being.
It's hard, yes, stunted
and sculpted into something
unexpected.  I wonder
when  sap runs under
its hardened skin what
things it remembers and
if it believes it is
any less true.

-- Jessie Bader, 2003

101

Things to be Grateful For:

1) Pressing my ear up to lumps of purring kitty-love.
2) Witnessing fly-by hugs.
3) Hot chocolate on a cold evening.
4) The existance of stars.
5) Being able to pay the heat bill.
6) Silly grins captured on camera.
7) Crows cackling in the rain.
8) Strong wing-beats of honking geese.
9) Learning to identify a Common Merganser.
10) Late night calls to a friend.
11) Voices singing all together.
12) Wrinkly over-large newborn feet.
13) Disturbing stacks of wooley balled yarn.
14) Flannel sheets fresh out of the dryer.
15) Knowing how to type really fast.
16) A stack of papers already graded.
17) Dishes all clean.
18) A long hot shower.
19) Down sleeping bags.
20) Wading large puddles and still having dry feet.
21) Large friendly dogs met on the street.
22) A long walk on a mostly dry day.
23) Rain on a tin roof.
24) Learning to love a new poem.
25) Colored leaves scattered about.
26) Old growth trees all together.
27) A full tank of gas and an unplanned afternoon.
28) Reading the same book 20 times.
29) Discovering a new literary love.
30) The whole house vacuumed.
31) A freshly scrubbed face.
32) Listening to live music.
33) Meeting a new friend.
34) Holding hands with old friends.
35) A new pair of shoes.
36) Buying an airplane ticket.
37) A clean litterbox.
38) The ability to construct origami.
39) My violin.
40) Having a house that is cute as a button.
41) Station wagons.
42) The best parents on the face of the planet.
43) Toasted marshmallows on the beach.
44) Illegal fireworks.
45) Powells books.
46) Wool socks.
47) Art galleries.
48) Microbrews.
49) Square dancing.
50) Wet clay and a pottery studio.
51) Clothes that don't need to be ironed.
52) Educational shows on PBS (I'm watching about Elanor Roosevelt).
53) A backpack and a train ticket.
54) Hardwood floors on a sunny day.
55) Girls gabbing all together.
56) Geeky science stores.
57) Google, its awesome!
58) The existence of a Wikipedia.
59) My annotated and etymological dictionary.
60) Things made of velvet.
61) The sticky roller that gets the cat hair off my clothes.
62) iTunes, and my stereo.
64) The public library.
64) National Geographic and Scientific American.
65) Mentors.
66) Tree frogs.
67) A great find in a thrift store.
68) That one sexy thing purchased full price at a boutique.
69) My feet that love to walk.
70) Learning anything new.
71) Remote controls.
72) The endless energy of middle school students.
73) The 'Aha!' moment.
74) Art on my walls created by people I love.
75) Joseph Campbell and J.R.R. Tolkien.
76) Basement storage.
77) The bell on my bicycle, and the helmet.
78) Bare feet and cute toes.
79) Agates on a wet beach.
80) Snorkeling.
81) My favorite overly squishy pillow.
82) Polar fleece and long underwear.
83) Bunny ears on the T.v
84) A team of good teachers.
85) A favorite pair of jeans.
86) Laundry warm out of the dryer.
87) Colored pencils.
88) Bubble baths.
89) A field of lavender.
90) Sticking my nose inside roses just to figure out which one smells best.
91) Spooning.
92) Taking naps.
93) Owning a powerdrill.
94) Knitting beautiful scarves.
95) My five bookcases, and the books in them.
96) Sneaking homemade popcorn into a movie.
97) Awe inspiring views from high places.
98) Laughing.
99) Kitties playing with crunchy toys.
100) Baskets, all colors, all sizes, all handmade.
101) A really good journal.

Dents are Great!

My friends and I  have been talking lately about the qualities we would love to have in a partner.  I was talking with a girlfriend awhile back and she said something along the lines of she was looking for her "Knight in Shining Armor".  I started to think about that phrase a little more deeply and came the conclusion that in no way do I want a knight in shining armor as a partner.  I want a "Knight in Well Used, Dragon Tested, Banged Up and Repaired by the Knight Himself, Dented Armor".

What woman on earth would really want some pretty-boy that only wears his armor for special occasions and requires that it all be polished and primped?  I've seen the type.  My car is a good example of what it means to be a 'Knight in Dented Armor'.  It is a Station Wagon (yes, I am single with no kids).  Being a wagon it is eternally useful for hauling stuff around, and its kinder on the environment and easier to park than an SUV.  It has been dented to a fair-thee-well due to three years of parking every day on NW 23rd (that, and my friend Molly hit it once with a Land Rover).  It has been bottomed out on a camping trip.  It has cat hair on the seats and waffle-crumbs on the floor.  Yet despite all its abuse it is comforting (it even has butt warmers), has an awesome stereo system, is really fun to drive, and its completely reliable.  That's what I'm talkin about!  I don't really want some man that insists on always looking good.  That's not what its about.  I want someone that just IS good, and awesome and fun to be around and a hero in times of crisis.

  I have been blessed with amazing parents.  One of those parents is my Dad.  He has some of the most well-used armor I have ever seen.  When faced with a crisis or emergency, or even a mild nuicance he just does anything in his power to fix it, because he likes to fix things.  I recently bought an old little house and the cost of energy has been soaring.  When I complain to my Dad he shows up with a hot meal, a programmable thermostat, and insulation (the pink fuzzy kind), and a quote on how much it would cost me to put a door between my kitchen and my basement.  Now there is a KNIGHT!  Love is a programmable thermostat.  Now, any girl loves her dad (if she was really lucky like me) and I'm not looking in any sense for someone just like him, but yet... He is great, and some of those qualities I seek out.  In emergency travel situations he's flexible.  Now, he can also get impatient, demanding, and sometimes swears... but sometimes a little fight is necessary (and occasionally fixes some problems).  Sometimes he doesn't get anywhere with it and he moves on muttering under his breath.  I'm not hoping for a Knight that LOSES all the time (no wusses here!), but one that is willing to go into the fight.

Now, I'm a peacable person, and I like peacable people.  Yet life is brutal.  I'm not looking for war in a relationship (in fact I hate fighting).  But I am looking for someone willing to battle the elements of the world with me.  Even the good relationships require that someone is brave enough to resolve the inevitable conflicts.  And then there are all the outside influences of aging, emotional trauma, physical trauma, disease, and other outside relationships.  I think we are really here to love each other and help each other out in times of crisis.  Sometimes  you just gotta go out there and live life and pick up some dents.

New Beginnings

In Honor of Kaylee James Arbaugh  Born December 29th 2005, 8lbs 1oz, 20"

Two of my favorite people in the world Kristine and Matt Arbaugh (Kris - I will always think of you as a Rasmussen but can you blame me?) had a little baby girl this last Thursday.  I got to hold her today for the first time.  I had forgotten how enchanting a newborn baby is, truly a miracle.  I could have happily watched that scrunched up little gremlin face for hours.  Perhaps that is the scientist in me, or perhaps its just me loving the world.  Here is my favorite poem about baby girls.

Master Works of Ming

Ming, Ming,
such a lovely
thing blue
and white

bowls and
basins glow
in museum
light

they would
be lovely
filled with
rice or water

so nice
adjunct
to dinner

or washing
a daughter

a small
daughter,
of course
since it's
a small basin

first you
would put
one then

the other
end in

-- Kay Ryan

All #@!$% Up...

This week...  Do you ever have the feeling you are a just not cut out for this whole life business?  That maybe your a little too paranoid or something?

I'm walking around the house trying to figure out if my cat has pooped recently.  How weird is that?  See... I found a new home for my older cat Kiz this week.  He went away to a nice 80 acre farm near La Center, WA to live with the horses, dogs, and eleven other kitties.  Since he was peeing on most everything this was the best thing in the world for him... but its left me feeling all... unbalanced all weekend.  Since Kiz found a new home I took Jack (my older cat and dearest friend) to the beach with my Mom, Dad, brother and two dogs and another cat that he frankly isn't used to.  And now I'm all paranoid.  He hasn't eaten all of his dinner tonight (which is wierd) but he has eaten some of it.  He hasn't used the litterbox since we got home (at 3 pm) which is odd too (but maybe not that odd since he sleeps through the night all the time without needing to potty)... and I found some gnawed on string the other week (I think it was almost two weeks ago) and once in his life he had to have surgery to remove 26 inches of green organza ribbon from his intestines.  He has been sleeping a lot since I got home... and maybe he is depressed because Kiz isn't around anymore, or maybe he just likes to sleep, or maybe the experience of going to the beach and the three hour car ride today was exhausting but maybe he's sick and maybe he has to have another surgery which costs lots and lots of money and I haven't even paid all my bills and maybe he is just fine and I'm being paranoid.  And I though I felt something unnaturally lumpy in his belly (but maybe he should just go take a poop!) Ack!

Jack is my best friend.  I got him when my college sweetheart and I chose to part ways (that was six years ago) and he has brought me through every heartbreak since.  He's the only one that gives me a hug when I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore... and he loves me all the time no matter what.  I just don't know what I would do if anything bad happened to him.  I hope I'm paranoid and just succumbing to PMS symptoms, and not picking up wierd vibes that are real.  I could just use a little calm in my life for once...

110:50

I was talking today to one of my fellow teachers and she expressed her saying that she puts 110% of herself into about 50% of doing well at her life.

Some examples from my life:  Yesterday I woke up, practiced some fiddle (on my brand new baby), got dressed,  went and got a cup of tea and graded health packets, walked around Sellwood looking at art, had a cuddle with my cat, cooked lunch, went to church, had dinner with my parents, graded papers and watched masterpiece theatre.  All good for the weekend mind... but I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night.  And then the negatives.  I didn't take a shower more than twice last week (it's not that gross,  I washed the important stuff).  My house is still yet very unpacked, and I didn't wash the things my cat peed on last week.

Today I got up at 5:15, showered (to make up for the negatives of the weekend), made breakfast, tossed lunch in a basket, went to school... made a new (with many mistakes) seating chart for 7th grade health and entered grades.  I went through my day (it was a disorganized mess), and stayed after school until 6:30 catching up on grading.  But I'm not ready for tomorrow... I have no idea what I am going to teach and how I'm going to teach it.  It is currently 9:47 and I'm thinking of going to bed.  So, better on the sleep, still no housework done.

Its tough being just one person, or even a community of people getting things done effectively in a timely matter.  I can't even begin to count the things I should  be doing (like, paying bills, vacuuming hairballs, writing my grandmother) and I've come to realize that it is impossible to do it all.  Perhaps a good night of sleep is more important than I think.

Insights

A quote I ran across today:

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not know, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what's going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity.

- Gilda Radner, Actor 1946-1989

Thursday, June 16th

Well now, its been a long long time since I bothered to post anything here, which I find interesting and perplexing.  Lots has happened since Thursday June 16th (which I believe was the last day of school for my students), and yet nothing.  I've thought about putting lots of things here, inane commentary about my everyday life, and yet I haven't.  So its time.

Today is Sunday September 4th, which presents a totally different perspective than that of staring down a summer of classes and travel and possibility.  Where to start is always the question in circumstances such as these.

Well lets see... The flow of my summer has been as follows:

After my students left for the summer (goodbye guys!  I hope that high school will treat all of you well) I then went back to class for another 6 weeks of "Experience and Meaning" which turned out to be a great class not because of the curriculum (it was rather boring and useless)  but because my teacher Mika Yeigh really listened to her students and made it what we wanted.

As the summer moseyed along its sweet days I was also sending off tons of resumes, cover letters, copies of my transcripts to many a school district.  The last two weeks of class I got an interview, a second interview, and a job offer in the Lake Oswego School District (more on that later).

Immediately after finishing classes I then departed for Costa Rica with Dr. Kip Ault and many other nerdy folks to complete my last two credits of my degree.    It was a spectacular trip and the people, the scenery, the volcanoes, the wildlife was amazing.  I loved it there and can't wait to go back.  More on that in another post perhaps.

After returning home I mostly collapsed in a little heap for a short while, but life does go on.  I then started hunting up a new abode being as my present living quarters are both small and... well I'm just darned tired of them.  So I made an offer on a little house in Sellwood (its tiny, I'm SOOO excited) that closes on the 15th of September.

And now its time to go back to school!  Waluga Jr. High in Lake Oswego has me running quite the gauntlet this first trimester of teaching I will ever do for real (I mean, student teaching was real, but it wasn't like this!).  I will be teaching a 6 period day in which I teach one period each of 7th grade health, 8th grade health, robotics, web design and two periods of 7th grade science!  And the hormonal young souls will be in my classroom in less than 48 hours.

Meanwhile my apartment looks like a pile of boxes because I'm preparing to move in just two weeks and tried my best to get most things packed before the students really eat up all of my mental faculties and energy.  So thats the outline!