Again, no posting for a long long time... That is the life of a new teacher. The good news is that I'm only eleven class days away from my first trimester of teaching. This means many things, primarily that I change to teaching three different curriculums in a day instead of five, and two of them I will have taught before. It amazes me that I have made it this far, there have only been a few meltdowns of varying intensity... but I'm almost there.
Tonight I went and attended a new teacher support evening at my alma-mater Lewis and Clark. The question posed for the evening was "What do you do to support yourself in teaching?"
Burnout.
Its the scariest thing I can think of at this point. I desperately don't want to lost my love of teaching because for the first time in my life my work feels like home in my heart. This is it. I've found my calling, my vocation, the thing that sustains me and my passion to learn and grow. I love it.
But...
There are some serious drawbacks. I have practically no social life other than seeing my family and three or four good friends. I haven't exercised regulary for near as long, my bicycle sits in the basement, my yoga mat in the closet, relatively untouched unless I am so wound up in knots that I'm in tears. I eat mostly out of the frozen food department. My cats immediately climb into my lap the moment I get home because to be honest, I'm never here. And when I am here its to spend my evening (on top of my 10 hour day at school) grading papers or planning lessons. I have a new wonderful little home that is still mostly in boxes. I haven't dated in more than a year and the likelihood of me meeting someone that can put up with me and my busy life is very slim mostly because I rarely see anyone. I struggle each day with the feeling that this may constitute my life; school, more school, grading, my little house and my cats forever. Even seeing my folks happens once a week which is the only mildly intimate adult relationship I have.
So why? Why even bother with teaching, it is insane to want to be a teacher.
As I see it we are currently living in an insane time, in an insane world. Perhaps the world is simply insane no matter the time or place. In many ways I chose a career in teaching simply because it is hard. I once sat in a room and listened to a Native American elder speak. I don't remember his exact words but I do remember the message he conveyed. He said "Life is hard, it always has been hard and it will always be hard. The thing that we should be working toward is not making life easier but making it better. Is the quality of life actually improving? Am I making any significant difference for the future? In an insane world am I helping to keep everyone from going mad? Am I bringing in a little more care, love, thoughtfulness?
Every day I push my overburdened no-longer-an-overhead cart down the hall between 3rd and 4th period through masses of teenagers, piles of books, and slamming lockers yelling "Excuse ME! Out of the way please!" and every day somewhere in front of the boys and girls restrooms I see one of those things that keeps me going. Its really just a small nothing, but its where the heart is. One of my tiny, geeky girls gets a quick fly-by hug from one of her guy friends. They never really say anything, they just seek each other out amongst all the moving, yelling, hurried bodies and give each other a squeeze, and they both smile just a little as they part.
I come from a career where I spent all of my time in a little gray cubicle in a windowless room where I didn't see any of the people I worked with. I even got to telecommute for nine months out of my cute little apartment. It was a place of constantcy, but no love.
I teach because I love, and loving isn't easy. It is better.
